OUR CHRISTMAS LIST

As the Chelsea game proved, we’re still a little away from really being taken seriously. Levy and Redknapp have both said our January dealings will be limited at best, but we’ll probably dabble. This isn’t a definitive list of potential targets/names we’re being inextricably linked to, but some of more common names….

SCOTT PARKER West Ham United/30/central midfield/£15m
Harry may have served up a few very dull reasons why this wouldn’t be a particularly “Tottenham”/Levy-pleasing move (there’s little sell-on value for a £15m 30-year-old, flowing locks or otherwise), but he’s told bigger porkies. Forget his maturing age, Parker would be a short-term but instant way of solidifying a defence-shy midfield and hardening our Champions League qualification chances. He’s the superficially tasty, ready-made microwavable option.
And let’s not forget, fall into Europa League purgatory and we might not be looking at furthering this very decent team next summer, but replacing Bale and Van der Vaart with lesser lights.
Some remain sore remembering the multiple times Parker’s (reportedly) rejected Spurs, but come on: we’ve embraced William Gallas as captain. This would be a very savvy move.

LASSANA DIARRA Real Madrid/25/central midfield/£12-15m

Gallas’ spiritual mercenary successor seems destined to arrive at White Hart Lane (or the Naming Rights Lane/home of Stratford Hotspur) one day. Around £15m would easily shift him from his unhappy lodgings in Madrid and straight into an uneasy alliance with a suspicious Tottenham support. Mardy, talented, a bit dirty and incredibly sulky, he’s an undoubted upgrade on Wilson and right now, that’s all that really counts.

SULLEY MUNTARI Internazionale/26/central midfield/£10-14m

Perhaps Pompey fans could argue his case, but I’m not sure the Ghanaian’s actually that good. I’d certainly rather Parker’s Premier League nous or Diarra’s pedigree over Sulley the Bully’s rashness and heavy touch. However, much like Diarra, he has a confirmed paramour in former boss Harry, and a potential escape route with the fiasco facing Inter. The slightly dull, but very possible, midfield choice.

STEVEN PIENAAR Everton/28/attacking midfield, various wings/£2-7m

His arrival felt inevitable until his recent comments bemoaning the speculation. Still more than likely we'll sign The New Kranjcar, whether it's this coming January or in the summer. Doubtless a very good player, but where would he fit within a first choice midfield? On Lennon's wing, perhaps? Or part of a broader plan that involves just the one forward? I'll never argue against signing quality, but this isn't one that sets pulses particularly racing.

ASHLEY YOUNG Aston Villa/25/winger, occasional forward/£15-18m

I’ve always been a fan. Maybe it’s his lack of consistency, occasional moments of effectiveness and a confidence that suggests he’d very much enjoy the pleasures of a London social life, but he’s built in a lab for Tottenham. Of course, we don’t really need him, he’d cost an absolute fortune and would compete with teammates Aaron Lennon and Jermaine Jenas to become his generation’s most unfulfilled talent. But all it’ll take is one word from Young. Gérard Houllier won’t bother with unhappy players dampening sprits within his crèche and I refuse to believe Randy Lerner wouldn’t need a few minutes and a strong drink to mull over an offer north of £15m.

GLEN JOHNSON Liverpool/26/right back (apparently)/£10-12m
We need a new right back. Quite desperately, in fact. Of course, we also need a new left back unless Bale soon undertakes his previously assumed metamorphosis into the world’s deadliest full back (I think most people have forgotten about that), but there doesn’t appear to be many of them. Which leads us to another perennial Harry favourite: the devilishly good in attack, hilariously-naïve-in-retreat pretend defender. With Uncle Woy pining for another Steady Eddie to parallel Paul Konchesky’s success, perhaps Harry will step in as kindly foster parent again. It sort-of feels inevitable, doesn’t it? 

LUIS FABIANO Sevilla/30/striker/£15m
He worked our last nerve this summer (we see you, Luís: using our lovely club to force a move to Milan/bully Sevilla into a bumper pay harvest), and now, a bit bored by mid-table La Liga action, he’s at it again. Which means we could just swallow our pride, take a huge financial risk and throw our lot in with Brazil’s No9. He’d allow Harry to play one forward without fear of leaving the team dominated by midgets (or stripped of any pace up top) and could give everything a shot in the arm. Or prove our Faustino Asprilla. Personally, I’d go for it.

ANDY CARROLL Newcastle United/21/striker/£16-20m
Yeah, yeah, Pardew. Harry would be wasting a phone call, he’s going nowhere, we’re not a selling club. WHATEVS. Your boss is Mike Ashley. He thrives on crushing “The Geordie Nation”. Flash some serious cash and maybe lob in an overly-inked former England winger and provided Man City don’t decide they need another bullish young striker, you’re looking at the new Gazza. Obviously, he seems an odious young man and Lord refuses to even consider the trail of violence, alcohol abuse and spit roast he’d wreak in the capital, but he’s fucking good. Mobile, unplayable in the air and a decent finisher: I’d happily pay £20m.

FERNANDO LLORENTE Athletic Bilbao/25/striker/£18-24m
The sort of player we should pay £20m for. Because they might just take it to the next level. Our heftiest transfer splurges have to be taken on risky targets as we still can’t really compete for the very best. So, our sights lower, while the prices don’t. Sometimes this works (Dimitar Berbatov, Luka Modric), sometimes it doesn’t (Rebrov, Postiga, Darren Bent), but it’s still our only option until we become familiar Champions League faces. And this 6’5” goal machine represents that Second Tier Superstar perfectly. He’s enormous, possesses a Good Touch For A Big Man™ but doesn’t fall over when faced with a clear route to goal. Sorry, Crouchy. Cheap shot.

Any more realistic names? Insider info? Players you like the sound of? Leave it all below…